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John N. Felsher's Zany Adventures
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Words mean things, sometimes more than what they seem to mean.
National elections proved that words don't always mean the same things
to different people. Some national leaders made whole careers out of
twisting words and redefining definitions enough to make Noah Webster
spin in his grave, depending upon what they mean by “spin.”
I spent 12 years working for the federal government as a spokesmodel.
(OK, I see you didn't buy that last part. Would you believe that I was the
guy who ran too slowly to escape, so the general thrust me in front of the
television cameras every time the Air Force did something stupid?)
As a government spokesman, I learned that a good truth outweighs all
lies, but the "truth" might take on a slightly different connotation. (Yes, our
jet plowed into that building, but we are going to build a brand new building
and that means JOBS, JOBS, JOBS, for the community. The new building
will be much better than that old rickety one we demolished for free as a
community service.)
As a professional writer, I’ve carried over that training into my new
career. For instance, while sitting pensively pondering space one day, a
mean person might ask, "What are you doing, Fool?"
To my wife, I would reply, "I'm thinking of the title for my third novel."
From that little bit of conversation, a person might conclude that I: 1.
had already written two best-selling novels and was diligently working on a
third, possibly with a Steven Spielberg movie deal on the side; 2. was just
lazy and goofing off. 3. was a smart aleck and didn't want to be bothered.
(The last two answers are reserved for my wife, Sweetum's, exclusive use.)
The correct answer, of course, is 1. Yes, I was thinking of a title for my
third novel. I already thought up good two good titles. One day, I may
actually WRITE a word or two on those novels. All that remains is to put
another 500,000 or so words together and I'll be ready to publish them.
The same philosophy transfers over to hunting and fishing, where
everyone always tells the whole truth, right! Once, I told my wife I was going
out to bag a deer and would be back in 20 minutes. At the predicted time, I
returned home with plenty venison – encased in a plastic bag stuffed into
an ice chest.
I DID bag the deer; I just didn't shoot it. It was already dead, skinned,
butchered, iced and waiting for me to pick it up, courtesy of a friend who
actually did shoot it. Getting game is so much easier that way than sitting in
a freezing tree stand for hours!
Did I lie? Far from it. If someone may have misconstrued my intention
and reached a different conclusion, that's not my problem.
In fishing, let's say, I return to the dock one afternoon after fishing most
of the day. An angler asks, "How’d you do, Felsh?"
"Got my limit," I might reply, as honest as any other fisherman.
That person may leave the landing thinking, "Man, that Felsh! He
knows his fish. I didn't catch anything today, not even a nibble."
What the inquisitive angler didn't realize was that by "limit," I meant I had
my limit of sun, waves, wind, spray, insects, bothersome other boaters, jet
skis, driving, parking, fumes and other annoyances that go with a day on
the water. I was hungry, tired, cranky, out of coffee and had enough fun for
one day. I reached my limit and it was time to go home, even if I didn't get a
single bite.
Although fishermen certainly captured the lead in “stretching the truth,”
hunters don’t follow far behind. When returning from a deer hunt, a
concerned sportsman might say, "No luck? I don't see any antlers. Nothing
to shoot today?"
My obvious response would be, "No luck? You must think I will shoot
any deer that walks by. For your information, I didn't shoot today because I
was waiting for just the right animal."
The other hunter might go away suitably impressed -- or think I was
crazy.
When I say "I'm waiting for just the right animal," I mean I was waiting for
any deer actually stupid enough to walk near my stand within range and
present an easy standing shot that even I couldn't possibly miss. I don't
care if it's a legal spike or a doe on an either-sex day. I'm STILL waiting for
just the right animal!
National elections proved that words don't always mean the same things
to different people. Some national leaders made whole careers out of
twisting words and redefining definitions enough to make Noah Webster
spin in his grave, depending upon what they mean by “spin.”
I spent 12 years working for the federal government as a spokesmodel.
(OK, I see you didn't buy that last part. Would you believe that I was the
guy who ran too slowly to escape, so the general thrust me in front of the
television cameras every time the Air Force did something stupid?)
As a government spokesman, I learned that a good truth outweighs all
lies, but the "truth" might take on a slightly different connotation. (Yes, our
jet plowed into that building, but we are going to build a brand new building
and that means JOBS, JOBS, JOBS, for the community. The new building
will be much better than that old rickety one we demolished for free as a
community service.)
As a professional writer, I’ve carried over that training into my new
career. For instance, while sitting pensively pondering space one day, a
mean person might ask, "What are you doing, Fool?"
To my wife, I would reply, "I'm thinking of the title for my third novel."
From that little bit of conversation, a person might conclude that I: 1.
had already written two best-selling novels and was diligently working on a
third, possibly with a Steven Spielberg movie deal on the side; 2. was just
lazy and goofing off. 3. was a smart aleck and didn't want to be bothered.
(The last two answers are reserved for my wife, Sweetum's, exclusive use.)
The correct answer, of course, is 1. Yes, I was thinking of a title for my
third novel. I already thought up good two good titles. One day, I may
actually WRITE a word or two on those novels. All that remains is to put
another 500,000 or so words together and I'll be ready to publish them.
The same philosophy transfers over to hunting and fishing, where
everyone always tells the whole truth, right! Once, I told my wife I was going
out to bag a deer and would be back in 20 minutes. At the predicted time, I
returned home with plenty venison – encased in a plastic bag stuffed into
an ice chest.
I DID bag the deer; I just didn't shoot it. It was already dead, skinned,
butchered, iced and waiting for me to pick it up, courtesy of a friend who
actually did shoot it. Getting game is so much easier that way than sitting in
a freezing tree stand for hours!
Did I lie? Far from it. If someone may have misconstrued my intention
and reached a different conclusion, that's not my problem.
In fishing, let's say, I return to the dock one afternoon after fishing most
of the day. An angler asks, "How’d you do, Felsh?"
"Got my limit," I might reply, as honest as any other fisherman.
That person may leave the landing thinking, "Man, that Felsh! He
knows his fish. I didn't catch anything today, not even a nibble."
What the inquisitive angler didn't realize was that by "limit," I meant I had
my limit of sun, waves, wind, spray, insects, bothersome other boaters, jet
skis, driving, parking, fumes and other annoyances that go with a day on
the water. I was hungry, tired, cranky, out of coffee and had enough fun for
one day. I reached my limit and it was time to go home, even if I didn't get a
single bite.
Although fishermen certainly captured the lead in “stretching the truth,”
hunters don’t follow far behind. When returning from a deer hunt, a
concerned sportsman might say, "No luck? I don't see any antlers. Nothing
to shoot today?"
My obvious response would be, "No luck? You must think I will shoot
any deer that walks by. For your information, I didn't shoot today because I
was waiting for just the right animal."
The other hunter might go away suitably impressed -- or think I was
crazy.
When I say "I'm waiting for just the right animal," I mean I was waiting for
any deer actually stupid enough to walk near my stand within range and
present an easy standing shot that even I couldn't possibly miss. I don't
care if it's a legal spike or a doe on an either-sex day. I'm STILL waiting for
just the right animal!
What words mean to other people