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John N. Felsher's Zany Adventures
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Wives, please don't let your
husbands grow up to own boats
husbands grow up to own boats
“Wow! Check out the curves on that model,” Ed Diot exclaimed eying
the object of our desire as a curvaceous young blonde woman passed near
a bass boat. “Have you ever seen such a shapely vision?”
“Forget about it, Ed,” I cautioned my friend. “You could never afford
such a gorgeous manifestation of perfection. Besides, your wife would kill
you in a slow and painful way if she caught you even thinking about
touching that.”
“You’re right, but what I wouldn’t give to get my hands on that hot
number just once. We could really have some fun, eh buddy?”
“Don’t get me involved in this, Ed. I’m already in deep enough trouble
with my own wife. She would never believe I was just an innocent
bystander. If you’re going to fantasize, do it alone. It would be fun, though.”
“Yep, would be fun,” he sighed. “She’s got everything I could ever
imagine and more. She’s got features I would probably never even learn to
use. I sure would love experimenting and playing with her knobs. Wouldn’t
she look awesome being pulling down the highway behind my truck?”
“Ed, that’s dangerous thinking. Something that beautiful would never go
with your old truck. Forget about it and let’s go look at girls. Your wife will
never let you buy that boat. Speaking of wives, here comes mine. See ya
later, Ed. Hi Sweetums! We weren’t touching the boats, honest, dear. We
were just looking at the scantily-clad models.”
“Don’t ‘dear’ me. You promised to take me out and treat me to an
expensive dinner,” she demanded. “You promised to take me to a show.
Instead, we are in this auditorium with all these boats.”
“Well, Honey. We are out,” I explained. “This is a show. It’s a boat
show, as for dinner, just walk over there and order anything you like. You
want mustard or ketchup with that dog? Heck, I’ll even spring for nachos
with extra cheese. There’s a seat between that whiny kid and the old
wheezing guy smoking the cigar. At least it is an expensive dinner!”
“Yeah, right, we could have ordered steak for that price.”
“Wives just don’t appreciate the fine culture of enjoying a boat show.
They cannot appreciate the shine of new chrome, the glint of metal-flake
paint, the exhibits of new devices to attach to an old boat. Oh, the smells!”
“Honey, that’s the guy with the cigar you’re smelling and I think that kid is
whining because he did something in his diaper. Why do men need so
many boats anyway? You can only ride one at a time.”
“People like different sports. Some people like fishing boats. Some
people like ski boats. Some people just like to cruise around.”
“How about that one? I like that one,” she pointed. “If we are going to
get a boat, let’s at least get one that comes equipped with a satellite TV
dish instead of plain cable so I can watch all those handsome hunks on the
country music videos as we cruise along.”
“Well, Sweetums, that would be nice, but that’s not a boat. That’s a
mansion with twin diesel engines. I took a trip on one almost that big once,
but the captain kept launching jet fighters off it. That one would cost more
that my annual salary just to fill the gas tank. Besides, if you want quality,
you already have me.”
“Oh, pa-leeeese! I rest my case. Is that a rainbow over there? I see
every color imaginable. Maybe it’s just a reaction from that ‘gourmet’
dinner.”
“Sweetums, that’s a rainbow of aquatic delight waiting to be explored.
They have every type of fishing boat on the planet in just about every
color. The dealer said he’s ready to move this one. They won’t make this
model again until next year so it’s kind of like a collector’s item! Sure, it’s
199 monthly payments, but the dealer said they are easy payments with
only 10 percent down. How much is in your purse?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “How much was in your wallet last night? That’s
how much I have in my purse now, minus the money for dinner. Why do
boats come in such gaudy, bright sparkles? I would think you would want to
hide from the fish – or at least from the bill collectors!”
“When fish see something like this, they line up to get caught. They all
want to ride in the livewell on such a pretty boat. Wouldn’t this look good
pulled behind my new truck?”
“Is that why you never bring home any fish? You fish in a drab boat?
Hey, what new truck?” she asked incredulously.
“Well, it’s almost a new truck,” I replied. “I have a new starter, new
alternator, new radiator, new fan belts, new hoses, new tires, new
transmission... See, it’s practically new except for the old body falling apart.
“Yours or the truck?”
“Funny! In this boat, I could get fresh air, sunshine and more exercise.
It’s an investment in my health. I’m only thinking of you and how much I love
you and want to be around longer to stay with you.”
“I cannot begin to describe how deeply that moved me, or maybe it was
just the chili on the hot dog. Anyway, if you bought this boat, I would never
see you. Wait, there’s an idea! I’m almost convinced. No, not quite, but it
was a good thought while it lasted. It’s much more fun to have you around
obeying my every whim. If you really want to exercise, why don’t you buy
that rowboat over there?”
“I used to own a rowboat, Sweetums. Don’t you remember? Every time I
took it out, the motor ran great until I reached the farthest point on the lake
downwind from the landing. Then the motor conked out and I had to row it
back to the landing.”
“Speaking of going back, looks like they’re shutting the doors, FINALLY!
Next week we go where I want to go. You’re in luck. There’s an all-day sale
of frilly lace kitchen decorations at a mall just two hours from home. If we
start early and spend all day, we can study every item.”
“Honey, I really was touching that boat with Ed. Can you kill me now?”
the object of our desire as a curvaceous young blonde woman passed near
a bass boat. “Have you ever seen such a shapely vision?”
“Forget about it, Ed,” I cautioned my friend. “You could never afford
such a gorgeous manifestation of perfection. Besides, your wife would kill
you in a slow and painful way if she caught you even thinking about
touching that.”
“You’re right, but what I wouldn’t give to get my hands on that hot
number just once. We could really have some fun, eh buddy?”
“Don’t get me involved in this, Ed. I’m already in deep enough trouble
with my own wife. She would never believe I was just an innocent
bystander. If you’re going to fantasize, do it alone. It would be fun, though.”
“Yep, would be fun,” he sighed. “She’s got everything I could ever
imagine and more. She’s got features I would probably never even learn to
use. I sure would love experimenting and playing with her knobs. Wouldn’t
she look awesome being pulling down the highway behind my truck?”
“Ed, that’s dangerous thinking. Something that beautiful would never go
with your old truck. Forget about it and let’s go look at girls. Your wife will
never let you buy that boat. Speaking of wives, here comes mine. See ya
later, Ed. Hi Sweetums! We weren’t touching the boats, honest, dear. We
were just looking at the scantily-clad models.”
“Don’t ‘dear’ me. You promised to take me out and treat me to an
expensive dinner,” she demanded. “You promised to take me to a show.
Instead, we are in this auditorium with all these boats.”
“Well, Honey. We are out,” I explained. “This is a show. It’s a boat
show, as for dinner, just walk over there and order anything you like. You
want mustard or ketchup with that dog? Heck, I’ll even spring for nachos
with extra cheese. There’s a seat between that whiny kid and the old
wheezing guy smoking the cigar. At least it is an expensive dinner!”
“Yeah, right, we could have ordered steak for that price.”
“Wives just don’t appreciate the fine culture of enjoying a boat show.
They cannot appreciate the shine of new chrome, the glint of metal-flake
paint, the exhibits of new devices to attach to an old boat. Oh, the smells!”
“Honey, that’s the guy with the cigar you’re smelling and I think that kid is
whining because he did something in his diaper. Why do men need so
many boats anyway? You can only ride one at a time.”
“People like different sports. Some people like fishing boats. Some
people like ski boats. Some people just like to cruise around.”
“How about that one? I like that one,” she pointed. “If we are going to
get a boat, let’s at least get one that comes equipped with a satellite TV
dish instead of plain cable so I can watch all those handsome hunks on the
country music videos as we cruise along.”
“Well, Sweetums, that would be nice, but that’s not a boat. That’s a
mansion with twin diesel engines. I took a trip on one almost that big once,
but the captain kept launching jet fighters off it. That one would cost more
that my annual salary just to fill the gas tank. Besides, if you want quality,
you already have me.”
“Oh, pa-leeeese! I rest my case. Is that a rainbow over there? I see
every color imaginable. Maybe it’s just a reaction from that ‘gourmet’
dinner.”
“Sweetums, that’s a rainbow of aquatic delight waiting to be explored.
They have every type of fishing boat on the planet in just about every
color. The dealer said he’s ready to move this one. They won’t make this
model again until next year so it’s kind of like a collector’s item! Sure, it’s
199 monthly payments, but the dealer said they are easy payments with
only 10 percent down. How much is in your purse?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “How much was in your wallet last night? That’s
how much I have in my purse now, minus the money for dinner. Why do
boats come in such gaudy, bright sparkles? I would think you would want to
hide from the fish – or at least from the bill collectors!”
“When fish see something like this, they line up to get caught. They all
want to ride in the livewell on such a pretty boat. Wouldn’t this look good
pulled behind my new truck?”
“Is that why you never bring home any fish? You fish in a drab boat?
Hey, what new truck?” she asked incredulously.
“Well, it’s almost a new truck,” I replied. “I have a new starter, new
alternator, new radiator, new fan belts, new hoses, new tires, new
transmission... See, it’s practically new except for the old body falling apart.
“Yours or the truck?”
“Funny! In this boat, I could get fresh air, sunshine and more exercise.
It’s an investment in my health. I’m only thinking of you and how much I love
you and want to be around longer to stay with you.”
“I cannot begin to describe how deeply that moved me, or maybe it was
just the chili on the hot dog. Anyway, if you bought this boat, I would never
see you. Wait, there’s an idea! I’m almost convinced. No, not quite, but it
was a good thought while it lasted. It’s much more fun to have you around
obeying my every whim. If you really want to exercise, why don’t you buy
that rowboat over there?”
“I used to own a rowboat, Sweetums. Don’t you remember? Every time I
took it out, the motor ran great until I reached the farthest point on the lake
downwind from the landing. Then the motor conked out and I had to row it
back to the landing.”
“Speaking of going back, looks like they’re shutting the doors, FINALLY!
Next week we go where I want to go. You’re in luck. There’s an all-day sale
of frilly lace kitchen decorations at a mall just two hours from home. If we
start early and spend all day, we can study every item.”
“Honey, I really was touching that boat with Ed. Can you kill me now?”