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John N. Felsher's Zany Adventures
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Thanksgiving traditions passed
down through the ages -- or not!
down through the ages -- or not!
John N. Felsher guards some enemy prisoners he "captured."
Besides turkeys, ducks make an excellent meal for Thanksgiving.
Besides turkeys, ducks make an excellent meal for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving is the only holiday set aside just for men, which may
account for why it’s widely ignored by merchants, entertainers and even
greeting card companies that constantly invent special occasions to sell
more greeting cards.
When was the last time you heard any Thanksgiving carols? Who can
forget these old favorites “Hark the Stuffed Turkey Bastes,” “Dinner Bells
Are a Ringing,” “It’s Beginning to Feel a Lot Like Indigestion,” “We Three
Pigs Who Watch the Game,” “Oh, Gluttony, Oh Gluttony” or that all time
favorite, “Messy Night, Leftover Night?”
In the 500 or so holidays and commemorative days each year, only
one truly honors men. Sure, men have Father’s Day, but who cares?
Mother’s Day is always one of the most revered days of the year, not to
mention the busiest telephone day of the year. Father’s Day is only known
as the holiday that generates the most collect calls, mainly by children
asking for money, for help to fix something or to get out of trouble!
Women enjoy anniversaries, even silly made up ones like, “Honey, it
has been exactly 14.78 weeks since we first saw that movie together.”
Every woman makes a big deal about Valentine’s Day, a day that only
appeals to men who eat the chocolates they remember to buy for their best
girls at midnight the previous evening when they stop at a convenience
store for gasoline and beverages. Children enjoy Halloween, birthdays,
Easter and Christmas.
Sure, I know the incredibly important religious significance of Easter
and Christmas, but look how we celebrate them. Men go bankrupt while
women scrounge gifts for everyone they’ve ever met -- even people they
don't like. Children devour the candy, get sick and rip open their presents
in seconds. Then, they break the gifts in minutes, leaving a huge mess.
Afterward, the children and fathers spend the rest of the day playing with
the boxes.
Thanksgiving is sandwiched, an appropriate word, between Halloween
and Christmas. I hate when stores start displaying Christmas decorations
around Labor Day. As important as it is, I think the Christmas season
should wait at least until the games end on Thanksgiving Day. At least
Thanksgiving is the best F-ing holiday for men.
“Watch your language! This is a family article,” admonished my wife.
“Wait, Sweetums, let me explain. Thanksgiving traditions are based
upon the three Fs -- Food, Football and Fun. Besides that, it falls during
prime hunting season. Men get up early to go hunting and then return for
lunch. Gluttony is not only sanctioned, it’s encouraged and women do most
of the work! After that, men sleep through football games. It’s a total
package. Now, let me explain the real history of Thanksgiving to you ...”
Thanksgiving actually started with Columbus, who landed in the New
World on Oct. 12, 1492, a day that he immediately named after himself.
Since it was a federal holiday, the Native Americans weren’t working that
day. Contrary to popular belief, Columbus did not discover Ohio. That
honor fell to the unnamed seaman who first yelled, “Land ho,” but does he
get credit, a holiday or even a greeting card? No!
Columbus found a culture where none of the men had jobs, but they all
ate well. All they did was hunt and fish all day blissfully unaware of disease,
“honey-does” or taxes. They lived half-naked in an idyllic paradise with no
worries and the women did all the work. See where this fine Thanksgiving
tradition started?
When Columbus saw the natives enjoying this lifestyle, he said, “I’m
from the government. I’m here to help make your lives better.” Then, he
introduced jobs, slavery, taxes and disease.
Occasionally, some warriors fought battles with other unemployed
warriors. Since they didn’t own any smart arrows, machine gun spears or
other weapons of mass destruction, their battles more closely resembled
football games instead of wars. That was a lot of fun. Thus, another
Thanksgiving tradition emerged as passed down through the centuries.
Fast-forward 130 years to the time of the Pilgrims. One of the Pilgrim
leaders came to a realization one day. He said, “Hey, everyone. We’re
Pilgrims! ‘Pilgrim’ means ‘traveler.’ Everybody get on the boat and hurry.
We’ve got to go 3,000 miles to have dinner with some half naked guys
wearing feathers.”
When the Pilgrims parked their Plymouth in Massachusetts, they found
out that all the stores were closed for the Christmas holidays. That brings
up another “F-ing” tradition -- hunting.
“Wait. How in the world is hunting an ‘F-ing’ tradition?” Sweetums
asked.
“Sweetums, obviously you’ve never sat in a humid swamp being devoured
alive by mosquitoes while waiting for a FREAKING turkey to stick his head
out from the underbrush or shivered in a duck blind when the only thing
flying was F-ing gnats.”
As I was saying before that rude interruption, the Pilgrims landed and
immediately told the Native Americans that they were trespassing on their
land, but the dispute could wait until after lunch. All in attendance ate until
they almost burst. Then to settle the land dispute, the Pilgrims challenged
the Native Americans to a football game. The winner would get to keep
North America.
Since they had no footballs, one of the Pilgrims tried to pick up a spare
fruitcake, but he couldn’t lift it. Instead, he grabbed a long, pointed loaf of
bread and tossed it to another Pilgrim. Thus, the people who attended the
first Thanksgiving also played the first football game in North America.
Due to Bungling “Butterfingers” Buffalo grabbing the wrong side of the
bread and fumbling it at the goal line, the Patriots beat the Chiefs, 28-21,
gaining Manifest Destiny over North America. Sure, the Native Americans
disputed that decision for the next 300 years, but finally settled for running
casinos. Most of the spectators didn’t even remember that game because
they slept through it while the women did all the work and cleaned up.
“Some things sure haven’t changed I see,” Sweetums said. “The
women are still doing all the work.”
“This year, Honey, I promise to help,” I responded. “What do you want
me to do?”
“Help? Ha! The best way you can help me is to stay out of the way.”
“It’s a deal! Boys, we need to help your mother with the Thanksgiving
dinner, but staying out of the kitchen. Turn on the game and bring me a
pillow. When I wake up after the game, we might go hunting.”
account for why it’s widely ignored by merchants, entertainers and even
greeting card companies that constantly invent special occasions to sell
more greeting cards.
When was the last time you heard any Thanksgiving carols? Who can
forget these old favorites “Hark the Stuffed Turkey Bastes,” “Dinner Bells
Are a Ringing,” “It’s Beginning to Feel a Lot Like Indigestion,” “We Three
Pigs Who Watch the Game,” “Oh, Gluttony, Oh Gluttony” or that all time
favorite, “Messy Night, Leftover Night?”
In the 500 or so holidays and commemorative days each year, only
one truly honors men. Sure, men have Father’s Day, but who cares?
Mother’s Day is always one of the most revered days of the year, not to
mention the busiest telephone day of the year. Father’s Day is only known
as the holiday that generates the most collect calls, mainly by children
asking for money, for help to fix something or to get out of trouble!
Women enjoy anniversaries, even silly made up ones like, “Honey, it
has been exactly 14.78 weeks since we first saw that movie together.”
Every woman makes a big deal about Valentine’s Day, a day that only
appeals to men who eat the chocolates they remember to buy for their best
girls at midnight the previous evening when they stop at a convenience
store for gasoline and beverages. Children enjoy Halloween, birthdays,
Easter and Christmas.
Sure, I know the incredibly important religious significance of Easter
and Christmas, but look how we celebrate them. Men go bankrupt while
women scrounge gifts for everyone they’ve ever met -- even people they
don't like. Children devour the candy, get sick and rip open their presents
in seconds. Then, they break the gifts in minutes, leaving a huge mess.
Afterward, the children and fathers spend the rest of the day playing with
the boxes.
Thanksgiving is sandwiched, an appropriate word, between Halloween
and Christmas. I hate when stores start displaying Christmas decorations
around Labor Day. As important as it is, I think the Christmas season
should wait at least until the games end on Thanksgiving Day. At least
Thanksgiving is the best F-ing holiday for men.
“Watch your language! This is a family article,” admonished my wife.
“Wait, Sweetums, let me explain. Thanksgiving traditions are based
upon the three Fs -- Food, Football and Fun. Besides that, it falls during
prime hunting season. Men get up early to go hunting and then return for
lunch. Gluttony is not only sanctioned, it’s encouraged and women do most
of the work! After that, men sleep through football games. It’s a total
package. Now, let me explain the real history of Thanksgiving to you ...”
Thanksgiving actually started with Columbus, who landed in the New
World on Oct. 12, 1492, a day that he immediately named after himself.
Since it was a federal holiday, the Native Americans weren’t working that
day. Contrary to popular belief, Columbus did not discover Ohio. That
honor fell to the unnamed seaman who first yelled, “Land ho,” but does he
get credit, a holiday or even a greeting card? No!
Columbus found a culture where none of the men had jobs, but they all
ate well. All they did was hunt and fish all day blissfully unaware of disease,
“honey-does” or taxes. They lived half-naked in an idyllic paradise with no
worries and the women did all the work. See where this fine Thanksgiving
tradition started?
When Columbus saw the natives enjoying this lifestyle, he said, “I’m
from the government. I’m here to help make your lives better.” Then, he
introduced jobs, slavery, taxes and disease.
Occasionally, some warriors fought battles with other unemployed
warriors. Since they didn’t own any smart arrows, machine gun spears or
other weapons of mass destruction, their battles more closely resembled
football games instead of wars. That was a lot of fun. Thus, another
Thanksgiving tradition emerged as passed down through the centuries.
Fast-forward 130 years to the time of the Pilgrims. One of the Pilgrim
leaders came to a realization one day. He said, “Hey, everyone. We’re
Pilgrims! ‘Pilgrim’ means ‘traveler.’ Everybody get on the boat and hurry.
We’ve got to go 3,000 miles to have dinner with some half naked guys
wearing feathers.”
When the Pilgrims parked their Plymouth in Massachusetts, they found
out that all the stores were closed for the Christmas holidays. That brings
up another “F-ing” tradition -- hunting.
“Wait. How in the world is hunting an ‘F-ing’ tradition?” Sweetums
asked.
“Sweetums, obviously you’ve never sat in a humid swamp being devoured
alive by mosquitoes while waiting for a FREAKING turkey to stick his head
out from the underbrush or shivered in a duck blind when the only thing
flying was F-ing gnats.”
As I was saying before that rude interruption, the Pilgrims landed and
immediately told the Native Americans that they were trespassing on their
land, but the dispute could wait until after lunch. All in attendance ate until
they almost burst. Then to settle the land dispute, the Pilgrims challenged
the Native Americans to a football game. The winner would get to keep
North America.
Since they had no footballs, one of the Pilgrims tried to pick up a spare
fruitcake, but he couldn’t lift it. Instead, he grabbed a long, pointed loaf of
bread and tossed it to another Pilgrim. Thus, the people who attended the
first Thanksgiving also played the first football game in North America.
Due to Bungling “Butterfingers” Buffalo grabbing the wrong side of the
bread and fumbling it at the goal line, the Patriots beat the Chiefs, 28-21,
gaining Manifest Destiny over North America. Sure, the Native Americans
disputed that decision for the next 300 years, but finally settled for running
casinos. Most of the spectators didn’t even remember that game because
they slept through it while the women did all the work and cleaned up.
“Some things sure haven’t changed I see,” Sweetums said. “The
women are still doing all the work.”
“This year, Honey, I promise to help,” I responded. “What do you want
me to do?”
“Help? Ha! The best way you can help me is to stay out of the way.”
“It’s a deal! Boys, we need to help your mother with the Thanksgiving
dinner, but staying out of the kitchen. Turn on the game and bring me a
pillow. When I wake up after the game, we might go hunting.”